Oh River, dear friend.
How clearly do you know your path.
While I sit here, clueless
Looking for direction
Hoping this apathy will lapse

To be still, to let what must pass, pass,
To trust that what must be, will be,
That in faith I will find my Destiny,
All of this I know and yet
In my heart there is a pit
A void I must fill.

Oh River, I sit beside you in friendship,
For in you I can confide.
My soul finds it difficult to share its pain and
in your presence I hope I may some answers find.

Life has been busy and now 
it quietens down,
In the noise of constant activity,
I drowned 
and forgot how to listen to my deeper self.

But now I Hear.
And what, I do not know.
As I delve into my depths, tell me
Where do I go?
Tell me, how do I reach 
My soul.

My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts I cannot comprehend
The wider picture is missing
The pieces are magic, the whole is perfection
And yet there is a blindness
A could I cannot dispel
But my friend, I have embarked on a journey
And I have faith it ends well.

A journey I undertake to reconnect with my spirit.
And understand the unease in my heart.
Listening to your course and your nature
In my journey I embark 
to surrender
And to let myself be taken by the flow.

A journey I hope leads to my soul.
 

Don’t look down
Never give up
Release fear
Learn to let go.

Climbing upwards
I feel the knots disintegrate
those that capture my body and mind into a frantic, convoluted mess of distress, confusion, and overwhelming emotion
loosening the tension of those that bind me to the terrible consequences of a decision I cannot turn back on
but only move on.

Instead I am held by the powerful knot of safety and comfort
a knot that allows me to let go
to lose fear
to move on.

Instead I can climb upwards instead of 
pulling myself down.
There I forget myself and look towards my only goal.

Persistence, perseverance, patience
sometimes means letting go.
Though my violent falls are easily perceived as the fault of
weakness, under-confidence, cowardice
Though the bystander may consider that I have
Given Up.

But when I let go it is not to give up
but to look at the wall from a 
different perspective
take a moment of rest and self-care
So I can learn, improve and try again.

In my peaceful state of unrelenting motivation, concentration, and clarity
I challenge myself to a harder wall.
Slowly, calmly and fearlessly I approach it with gentle movements
despite the strain on my arms and my trembling body.

I do not ignore the pain. I acknowledge it and move forward because
I know my destination.

And yet,
ever so close,
I feel a sharp, burning, searing pain. I know I can still hold on, move on, continue …

I also know that I will break.
Instead I remember to
let go.
And I remind myself that
I will try again.

Don’t push harder, work softly, don’t make the damage worse than what it was.

Where I am injured I support 
though I know I must temporarily avoid my source of pain.
Support gives me an equal if not
more gratifying source of peace.

Then try again, but don’t push too hard. 
Aware of my injury I adapt my strategy
the position of my arms and legs
the difficulty of the walls that I attempt
letting go whenever the strain is too strong.

A judgement that I alone must make,
for the strain is nothing like
the pain of 
a broken
or dislocated
arm.
Nothing like the pain of a
gashing wound.

But I will not let the strain 
become a broken, dislocated arm.

I walk away from the climbing walls and know that I will return again.
 

Lava restrained so far
lava kept in so that I would not 
hurt.

Patience, effort, agony
to resist the equilibrium it seeks.
No. I cannot let it happen.

Don’t let it pour
keep it in
don’t destroy the
surroundings that keep you
in sync

Don’t destroy the nature that
builds your very being
that you love with all your 
heart

Never hurt
abide by the wishes of the
weather
the earth
of the people
whose homes stand above your existence.

For,
my existence 
should make me feel ashamed
I do not deserve to
live for 
the lives I have destroyed
despite trying so hard to
save what I 
so desperately cared for.

No.
every now and then the lava leaks out
and I cannot control it
and the more I keep it in the more destruction it wreaks when it 

brutally explodes.
a rushing cataclysm of glowing magma.

And so, for the destruction it will cause
I cannot restrain it.
Instead I plunge, pull myself down into a world of
inevitable despair

fighting to accept that the harm I have caused
cannot be worse than what it would be
had I kept it in much longer.

fighting 
praying
that the harm is reversible

that I can regain balance with the weather
the earth
and the people whose homes stand above my existence.

To them
just a force of evil 
of hatred
impossible of love or kindness

Not realising the lava are the volcano’s
tears of despair and anguish

while I keep a strong front for sake of my sanity
while I resist the urge to
destroy myself into pieces of 
merciless self-blame 
on the brink of depression

where I am pulled up by the fire
that makes my existence
because I am not alone.

Only move on.

Perpetual fear-
I refuse to-
mind racing
stop
I beg.
you.

Volcanoes can only be inactive for so long.



Please hold on.

 

River rushing through creek.
Water, rocks, trees,
assuming shape, knowing surroundings
invariably, flowing through law
law flowing through it
Knowledge contained in its essence

Not conscious
but the end-point is clear, intrinsic to its existence,
the embodiment of natural law.

How some assume to be the river!
With absolute certainty they insist to
know the world.

Water, rocks, trees
the creek shapes us, knows us,
but we do not know the creek. 

And yet
somehow we may take any shape
more like an uncontrollable fire
holding the freedom of
choice.

Not knowing what is ahead
nor understanding the reality we have
changed. Yet having to
think, decide and
live.

To choose our own way
to make our own creek.

Though overwhelmed by the thought of the
consequences
I embrace the thought and
go to sleep.

​