Don’t look down
Never give up
Release fear
Learn to let go.

Climbing upwards
I feel the knots disintegrate
those that capture my body and mind into a frantic, convoluted mess of distress, confusion, and overwhelming emotion
loosening the tension of those that bind me to the terrible consequences of a decision I cannot turn back on
but only move on.

Instead I am held by the powerful knot of safety and comfort
a knot that allows me to let go
to lose fear
to move on.

Instead I can climb upwards instead of 
pulling myself down.
There I forget myself and look towards my only goal.

Persistence, perseverance, patience
sometimes means letting go.
Though my violent falls are easily perceived as the fault of
weakness, under-confidence, cowardice
Though the bystander may consider that I have
Given Up.

But when I let go it is not to give up
but to look at the wall from a 
different perspective
take a moment of rest and self-care
So I can learn, improve and try again.

In my peaceful state of unrelenting motivation, concentration, and clarity
I challenge myself to a harder wall.
Slowly, calmly and fearlessly I approach it with gentle movements
despite the strain on my arms and my trembling body.

I do not ignore the pain. I acknowledge it and move forward because
I know my destination.

And yet,
ever so close,
I feel a sharp, burning, searing pain. I know I can still hold on, move on, continue …

I also know that I will break.
Instead I remember to
let go.
And I remind myself that
I will try again.

Don’t push harder, work softly, don’t make the damage worse than what it was.

Where I am injured I support 
though I know I must temporarily avoid my source of pain.
Support gives me an equal if not
more gratifying source of peace.

Then try again, but don’t push too hard. 
Aware of my injury I adapt my strategy
the position of my arms and legs
the difficulty of the walls that I attempt
letting go whenever the strain is too strong.

A judgement that I alone must make,
for the strain is nothing like
the pain of 
a broken
or dislocated
arm.
Nothing like the pain of a
gashing wound.

But I will not let the strain 
become a broken, dislocated arm.

I walk away from the climbing walls and know that I will return again.
 

River rushing through creek.
Water, rocks, trees,
assuming shape, knowing surroundings
invariably, flowing through law
law flowing through it
Knowledge contained in its essence

Not conscious
but the end-point is clear, intrinsic to its existence,
the embodiment of natural law.

How some assume to be the river!
With absolute certainty they insist to
know the world.

Water, rocks, trees
the creek shapes us, knows us,
but we do not know the creek. 

And yet
somehow we may take any shape
more like an uncontrollable fire
holding the freedom of
choice.

Not knowing what is ahead
nor understanding the reality we have
changed. Yet having to
think, decide and
live.

To choose our own way
to make our own creek.

Though overwhelmed by the thought of the
consequences
I embrace the thought and
go to sleep.

​

Drowning 
Drowning so deep I just.
don’t know. where I’m going
anymore

Taken by a journey
and its too late to turn back.

Only move forward.

No matter how hard I try
I can’t stop thinking about
the days.
I look back at the pictures
I look back to the past.
And I cry

This time,
its different.

There’s a reason why I can’t slap
yet words don’t slap
they destroy.

My words are an atomic bomb. Never slap. Kill. Torture. Ravage - and I
and I can’t undo the damage 
the damage that is done. 

I stare at what I’ve done. Just stare,
and while he sees indifference
he can’t see the hurt, the pain that hides beneath the screen.

When I try to piece it all back together
how can I expect anyone to take me seriously
how can I expect anyone to think anything of me other than
a liar
a hypocrite.

This time. Its different.
Drowning so deep
Too late to turn back
I can’t stop thinking
And I cry.
Only move forward.

You don’t understand. This time is different.
I fight the storm that pushes me
where no one wants to be.

I fight the guilt, the hurt, the regret. 
I chose my way
a way I was too weak to take.

A road without signs, 
Dark.
No lampposts.
Nothing to guide.
If I fall
deep deep deep
into a hole
that even as I fall
I cannot see.

Words can encourage me
or they can drown me
but in the end
they don’t drag me up, 
that is only for me to do.

I let myself go
don’t restrain
just let go

Pray.

Breathe.
I breathe and look out the window.
but no matter how hard I breathe
I’m broken

No breath of fresh air will piece me back
together. 

Pray that time will heal.

Thrust me down into the deepest hole.
I said I would never give up.